‘You’ve seen me blow up and shed tears on my pillow. Please forgive me for not being more patient and gentle with your spirit.’: Mom apologizes for unstable emotions during pandemic, ‘I will focus on your little heart instead’

“In a matter of days, our lives have turned upside down like those rollercoasters you’ve dreamed about riding this summer. Your sports activities, spring musical program, and school have all been closed. Your playdates and outings are being withheld to ensure your safety on lockdown.

When you first heard the news, you yelled and cried out to me, ‘Why, Mom? Why?’

I felt the same as you.

I’ve lost my temper and unstable emotions have got the best of me. I’ve forgotten you’re just a child and don’t see the world as adults do. You just need my love and care right now – not my harshness and anger over things I can’t control.

I’m trying my best to keep our home a place of calm, but sometimes it feels more like a war zone. The world is in crisis, and lots of mommies and daddies are in survival mode too.

You’ve seen me blow up and shed tears on my pillow. I’ve seen the tears you’ve cried and concerns at bedtime when darkness settles in. I hear your complaints for wanting your friends and missing your teachers at school. I know your need for routine and structure, and I’m trying my absolute best.

We’ve never gone through a worldwide pandemic together. I don’t know how to feel about it all. But I know I have to take responsibility for my actions and how I respond. I have to be willing to learn, adjust, process, grieve, and find our new normal.

Please forgive me for not being more patient, loving, and gentle with your spirit. My words have been reckless, not up-lifting. Anxiety has filled my soul. I need to focus more on the issues going on in your little heart, instead of focusing on panic and fear.

I’m amazed at how incredibly strong and resilient you are in this time. You inspire me and have given me a lot to laugh about and be thankful for. Thank you for having grace on me.

At the end of the day when you’re tucked in bed, I watch you peacefully sleeping and I’m so grateful God gave me you. We’re together and that’s the greatest blessing of all.

I love you,

Mom”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Samantha Krieger. She is the author of Quiet Time: A 30-day Devotional Retreat for Moms in the Trenches. You can follow her journey on Facebook and Instagram. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.

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