“I left the courtroom that day and did not see him for 9 months. He never showed up at the court ordered pick up. He never called. He had disappeared.”
‘He said, ‘If I die. Nathan is the only person allowed to raise my daughter.’ What I didn’t know was how serious he took that statement.’
‘I’ll leave if you have sex with me. He pushed his way in. ‘Sit on the couch!’: Woman overcomes abusive relationship, encourages others to ‘ask for help’
“‘No. I don’t want to. I’ll do anything else. Please!’ When he was finished, he uttered the words, ‘You didn’t think I was actually going to leave, did you? All I could ask myself when looking back was, ‘Why did I go back to him?! Kate, what were you thinking?’”
‘When I say my daughter died, people will often respond: ‘I’m sorry I didn’t know.’ Their response makes me smile.’
“I didn’t know there were so many excuses for avoiding a person just because their baby died. I didn’t know how hard it would be to watch them leave in a nurse’s arms, knowing they would never come back.”
‘Momma, your baby died?’ Cue my heart sinking into the earth. Bury me now. How do I explain this to my son? How. It was supposed to be quick, in and out in 10 minutes.’
“He grabbed me. He held me up as my body threatened to give out on me. I sobbed. Loudly. Unabashedly. In the middle of the parking lot. I climbed into the car, and after driving for a time, a little voice piped up.”
‘She turned the screen towards us. ‘Here is baby number 1, here is baby number 2…’ ‘PLEASE STOP COUNTING!,’ is all I could manage to say. The room fell quiet.’
“How could this be happening? How could we possibly be expecting TWO more babies just 4 MONTHS after the birth of our son? But it was. It was a punch in a gut. The kind of news that took your breath away.”
‘Then came the call. ‘Come to NYC and get your daughter. She’ll land in 3 days!’ We immediately jumped on the plane, but then a hiccup.’
“Just 2 days later we got a text in our agency group. ‘Who was the family that was interested in a deaf child?’ Well that was us, and now we are going to adopt 2 girls?! No, we couldn’t do that. So we had a HUGE decision to make.”
‘Fifteen days after this picture was taken, this sweet girl’s dad – her best friend, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She would only have him 18 more months.’
“What you see in this picture, and what I see in this picture, are two very different things. You might see a little girl in a hotel room, preparing for a gymnastics meet in Las Vegas, looking out on the world from her hotel room. But, I see something different.”
‘I’m impatient. And they’re insane. They’ve behaved their little hearts out for teachers and friends. They wanna cut loose, and so they do. There are tears every day.’
“In the still quiet of the night, I don’t watch Netflix or do dishes or take luxurious baths. Nah, I stare at the ceiling and replay all of my parenting mistakes, over and over again in my head. Guilt comes flooding in. Doubt.”
‘I heard my name. ‘Are you Suzanne?’ A woman approached me. I was confused, even scared I had done something wrong. ‘Yes?,’ I said nervously.’
“He cried for what felt like 24 straight hours. He felt like an idiot for believing. I didn’t have all the answers. I didn’t really have any.”
‘The best course of action will be to do a total hysterectomy,’ the doctor said, staring at me. ‘But I’m only 29!,’ I gasped in disbelief.’
“Well, unfortunately we have to do it now. I’d call your husband. If he starts now, he might get here just in time. Now hop in the shower and give yourself a good scrub with this soap.”