“My husband, Brayden, and I had just moved to Idaho from Washington State. We were living in an apartment in Downtown Boise and enjoying exploring a new city and meeting new people. We had been married for three years and knew we wanted a family eventually, but were very content with just the two of us for the moment. One cold November day in 2021, we received the unexpected news that Brayden’s job was being eliminated. The very next day we got even more unexpected news; I was pregnant.
When we found out Brayden lost his job and we were expecting, we were shocked. But we immediately focused on becoming the best parents we could be. He quickly found another job, we started looking at buying a home in the suburbs, created a budget, signed up for birthing classes, and reached out to friends and family for support. We always knew we wanted a family, but thought we would focus on ourselves until we were 30. Suddenly, we couldn’t wait to focus on our baby girl.
The timing couldn’t have been worse, and we were filled with anxiety, but we also immediately fell in love with the sweet child, a daughter, growing inside me. Pregnancy flew by and was surprisingly “easy.” Brayden got a new job, we bought our first home, named our daughter Miclaine, prepared her nursery, had two baby showers, and attended birthing classes. Our carseat was installed and our hospital bags were by the door as we knew labor could begin any moment.
At 39 weeks, on a warm July night, I realized I had not felt much movement since dinner. I drank juice, did jumping jacks, and ran around the house, but nothing. I called the hospital and they encouraged me that everything was probably fine, but that I should come to the hospital for reassurance. I woke Brayden up and off we went.
I remember him praying that Miclaine, our feisty girl, was just giving mom and dad a hard time before entering the world. He was calm and talkative and convinced everything was fine. I knew something was very, very wrong. He dropped me off at the front doors of the hospital and I ran to labor and delivery while he parked the car. Within a matter of minutes, I was hooked up to machines, and there was silence. Heartbeat dopplers turned into ultrasounds and nurses turned into doctors. Eventually we were told the words no parent ever expects to hear: “We’re sorry; your daughter no longer has a heartbeat.”
I remember screaming, “this can’t be happening. Why is this happening?” We would never find out an answer for why she was suddenly gone. I remember turning to Brayden and saying, “What are we going to do? How can we live without her?” Once we said our final goodbyes, I kept shouting over and over again that I wanted to be hit in the head with a baseball bat so I didn’t have to live through this. Brayden was devastated about Miclaine’s death, too, but had to be strong and support me through the surgery and trauma. He reached out to our family in Washington and told them to drive to Boise immediately. He found the cemetery we buried her at and made all of the arrangements. He made sure I was taking my medication and attending counseling sessions. He couldn’t protect his little girl anymore, so his focus shifted to protecting me.
The most meaningful moment I spent holding Miclaine was right after the c-section. Brayden saw her first and I remember him gasping. They brought her over to me and I held her and pressed her sweet cheek against mine. Sometimes, almost three years later, I still feel like I can feel her cheek there. We couldn’t believe how perfect she was. A warm, beautiful, chubby, pink baby. We got to hold her for a few hours after the surgery, too, but the first time I held her was the most intimate. I never wanted to let her go.
She came out beautiful. A perfect combination of me and her dad. She was surprisingly chunky for being less than seven pounds. She had long, dark hair, thick eyelashes, full cheeks, and fat fingers. I held her cheek to mine and felt her warmth, her beauty, her life. Miclaine Marie Miller. Forever our baby girl.
No one can prepare you for leaving the hospital without your child, planning her funeral, burying her, boxing up her nursery, and trying to continue life without her. I started a foundation, Miclaine’s Mission, that creates free gift boxes with personalized gifts and resources on grief for grieving parents. Nothing can take the pain of stillbirth away, but receiving items that honor a lost child can be so meaningful.
Brayden and I started trying for another baby as soon as we got the “all clear” from my doctor. Even though we were once very content with it just being the two of us, we were now desperate to create a family. We knew no baby could ever replace Miclaine or take away the sadness of her death, but we also knew we were more than ready to love a living child.
Conceiving was easy, but maintaining a healthy pregnancy was not. I had a chemical pregnancy in November, a 9 week missed miscarriage in February, and an ectopic pregnancy in May. At this point, we sought fertility specialists and genetic testing. Even though everything came back “normal,” we were encouraged to do IVF to make sure we were creating healthy embryos. I started medication for that in July and had an egg retrieval in August, a successful implantation surgery in September, and another 9 week missed miscarriage in October. Five consecutive losses. We felt so defeated.
Brayden and I had discussed adoption early on in our marriage. We knew we wanted adoption to be part of our family story, but we didn’t know how or when. Throughout the year and a half of our loss journey, we attended adoption seminars, met with adoptive parents, and researched agencies. We took time to pray about the decision and ask others for wisdom, but ultimately felt drawn to a local agency, A New Beginning, and officially started the adoption process in February of 2024. By the end of April, we had completed training, background checks, interviews, counseling sessions, doctor’s appointments, and the home study. We created the book of our story and entered the waiting pool.
We said yes to our first synopsis in mid May of 2024. It was for a young mom in nursing school who wanted a better life for her son, who was due any day. We were giddy at the idea of bringing a baby into our home, but had very low expectations that this mom would say yes to us. We were told by the agency to guard our hearts and reminded that it takes an average of two years to become adoptive parents.
Two days later (the day after Mother’s Day) I received a phone call from the agency. I will never forget our coordinator telling me, “The birth mom chose you!” To say I was stunned would be an understatement. We had only been in the waiting pool for two weeks! The birth mom did not want to interview us or any other couples – she knew we were her son’s parents! And she was going to be induced four days later. Ahh!
I immediately called Brayden and told him to come home from work. We had to get a nursery ready for a sweet baby boy joining our family in a matter of days! We hugged, cried, laughed and prayed. Since we were fully prepared for Miclaine, we were lucky to have pretty much everything a baby could possibly need. Minus boy clothes! We quickly prepared our home, our friends, our family, and our hearts.
Oh, and I forgot one tiny detail. We had just found out we were pregnant! On Mother’s Day (the day after we said yes to the synopsis and the day before we were told we were chosen to be our son’s parents), we learned we were going to have another sweet baby girl. We were going to go from a childless home to two babies born less than six months apart!
We met our son’s birth mom a few days before he was born. She was sweet and soft spoken. She told us she had initially planned to raise him on her own, so we were quite nervous she would change her mind about adoption. But she remained confident in the decision and was a very calming presence. We found out we had many things in common, including living in the same neighborhood. It was truly meant to be. She told us she called the baby boy Cooper. We had always loved the name Callum, but decided to make Cooper his middle name in honor of his birth mom. Our sweet Callum Cooper.
She invited us to the hospital for the birth where we got to meet her mom, dad, step mom, and grandma. She was induced on a Monday, but did not end up giving birth until Wednesday, so we spent quite a bit of time getting to know each other. This was so special for me and Brayden, as well as for Callum’s birth family.
He was born at the same hospital as our daughter, Miclaine, which was difficult and brought back traumatic memories. Tuesday night Brayden and I were getting ready to sleep in the hospital waiting room when a young woman came up to us. She was a photographer and overheard that we were adopting and wanted to hear a bit more of our story. As I began to share, she stopped me and said, “Wait, are you Miclaine’s mom?” I don’t think I have ever been asked a sweeter question. Turns out she attended our church and knew about my Miclaine’s Mission foundation, and had been praying for us for months. She offered to take free family photos for us, which we got to do a few weeks after Callum was born. It was the first of many moments that we felt Miclaine and God’s presence during Callum’s birth.
Wednesday morning, Cal’s birth mom was finally ready to push. I got to be in the room and be by her side through the entire process. Hearing Callum’s first cry was so special – it was all I ever wanted to hear with Miclaine but never got to. Instantly, he became my son and my heart was his. I did not get to feel his kicks or grow his body inside mine, but he was my boy. I cut his umbilical cord, Brayden came to meet him, and we gave his birth mom some time to connect with him.
We spent the next two days in the hospital, in a room right next to Callum and his birth mom. I would go over and feed him and change him and help in any way I could. He would come over to our room so we could bond and spend time with him. The first time Brayden held him, a large rainbow appeared outside of our window. Another sign from Miclaine as she shined down on us and her new little brother.
I remember being so excited to go home with Callum, but also anxious. I had heard that adoption is both a wedding and a funeral. So much joy for us, yet so much sadness for the birth mom. However, that did not end up being our story. When the time came to leave the hospital, everyone felt so much peace. There were only happy tears. The adoption is open, so Callum’s birth mom knew it would not be her last time seeing him. And she knew how much we adored him already. We were so ready to start our life with our sweet baby boy.
The next few months were filled with glee. Cal was an incredibly easy baby. He was smiley and hardly ever cried. He was content and peaceful just like his birth mom. In fact, he is almost one now and he is still very much our calm and happy little boy! Watching him grow and hit his milestones has been such a joy and being his parents is the greatest privilege.
Even though he was our son from the moment he was born in May, he became officially and legally ours in October. He was all smiles in the courtroom and kept clapping his hands and banging on the table. Everyone commented on his sweet demeanor and how bonded and well adapted he was with us.
Just a few weeks later, he became the littlest and best big brother. His sister, Remy, was born and she has been quite the opposite of Cal. She is spirited and stubborn. The first month was challenging, but we have settled in quite well with our two little ones. There are moments of chaos, but not a moment goes by that we don’t think of how grateful we are for this sweet duo. Lately Callum has been holding her hand and will even crawl over and try to put a pacifier in her mouth when she’s crying. We cannot wait to watch their relationship blossom as they grow up together.
Our journey to parenthood has not been easy, and this is not the way we envisioned creating a family. We wish Miclaine was here with us, but we also know that Callum was meant to be ours and that she led us to his adoption. We promise to teach Callum and Remy about their big sister in heaven. We promise to be honest with Callum and show him how loved he is by us and his biological family. We promise to share our story with others and come alongside families experiencing loss and navigating adoption.”
