“I was shocked, confused, taken aback. I’d never been with a woman before. I stammered, stuttered, and turned into a blubbering mess. I listed all the reasons why it wouldn’t work. I was scared to admit my feelings. Then my mom told me something I’ll always remember.”
‘I was in an abusive relationship. She was a lesbian with a man she didn’t love. I was falling for her. One day, she strolled up to me, a grin on her face. ‘I want to be with you.’
‘I told him I wasn’t ready to have a baby with him. He didn’t care and messed with my birth control. ‘We’re going to be together for the rest of our lives,’ he said. Needless to say, I got pregnant.’
“Things started to take a darker turn. I wasn’t allowed to go outside alone. He spread lies to my friends and family. When I gave birth, he wouldn’t let me see my child. He called 911 saying I was a danger to the baby. He got full custody.”
‘I was the ‘closet Diet Mountain Dew drinker.’ I was MAD he left me. To be honest, I was a HOT MESS. I fought back.’
“He often told me, ‘You are too damn feisty.’ Well, I knew I had to stand up for myself. For almost 19 years I picked my battles.”
‘It was my daughter’s birthday. I was sitting, my feet in the river. I heard a yell. ‘She’s in the water!’ I turned. She was completely under water, face down. Pure panic went through my mind.’
“Rylee wanted to get closer to the other kids and went forward on the step more than she should have and slipped in. She was completely engulfed. I could see about half an inch of the top of her head. Without hesitation, I dove in after her. The current was taking her away rapidly. I could barely keep my head above water.”
‘My kids were accidental. I never wanted to be a mom. I don’t enjoy playing with my kids. I don’t like being touched or needed.’: Mom recalls struggles of motherhood before finding ‘beautiful love’ in children
“Every single day, I feel resentment, sadness, frustration. I reminisce about my lost freedom. The days I would wake up with energy, pull out my to-do list, and get everything done. The days when I could hop in the car and run a quick errand, take a nap, or shower whenever I wanted. The days I could set BIG goals and actually attain them.”
‘You were second. With you, it was different. The worries of a first-time mom faded. You didn’t make me a mother. But you sure made me a better one.’
“There was no gender reveal party. No elaborate showers. I didn’t take as many photos. We didn’t spend every waking moment reading all the books. I wondered how on earth my heart could ever be big enough, how I could manage to divide my time and energy and love equally enough.”
‘My son got trapped. The car mysteriously locked. He was strapped into a car seat in 100-degree heat, screaming hysterically. I paced in place. The only way to free him was to break a window.’
“My heart stopped. It took the firefighters an unreasonably long to arrive (light years in mom panic mode). My son’s hairdresser came racing to the scene. And then there was a random mom who stopped and stayed with me. My husband made it in record time across town.”
‘The precious time I should’ve had with my newborn was stolen from me. My patience was tried, my marriage tested. I was at rock bottom with no way up. I needed to prove I was a good mom.’
“The village you need to raise a baby felt more like a ghost town. I had no clue what I was doing. There was endless crying, anxiety so severe I didn’t leave the house, stretch marks, flab, puffiness. I despised it all. All I could think was, ‘It has to be better than this.'”
‘BABE. Something’s wrong with the baby!’ He flew down the stairs without touching a step. I just screamed, and screamed some more.’: Mom loses daughter to SIDS, urges us to ‘live each day like it’s our last’
“Jaymie was still and floppy. I grabbed her and started touching her face, opening her mouth, looking for any sign of what was wrong with my little girl! I remember opening my balcony doors, seeing the air ambulance, and screaming again. The police entered my home and I curled into a ball on the kitchen floor as they announced the time of death. What the hell was I hearing? I wrapped her in her Peppa Pig blanket and just stared, hoping and praying she’d just look up and smile at me. But no. She was gone.”
‘We connected on a dating app. I swiped right. The man was gorgeous, but 20 years younger. I agreed to meet him for a drink, but grew suspicious.’: Woman recalls losing the younger man she loved
“This all seemed too good to be true. I kept my guard up. When I went to his Facebook page to check his relationship status, I found something else. I sat up in bed and stopped breathing. I stared at my phone. ‘No,’ I cried. The words came out of my mouth as though someone else was saying them.”
‘I woke in such incredible pain. All I wanted to do was see our new baby. It’s hard to explain the first time you see your child this small. The first half hour I cried because I feared so much for his life.’
“My doctors took Dylan out as quickly as possible and focused on saving me. I had lost a 3rd of my blood and needed a hysterectomy. I had a 5 hour surgery after Dylan was whisked away to the NICU.”
‘I got the test results. I felt I let my husband down. Like I somehow failed to give him the ‘perfect’ baby. The silence was deafening. I kept thinking, ‘Why me?’ Then I thought, ‘Wait, why NOT me?’
“I had a woman sob in my arms out of sympathy. I remember telling my husband, ‘Do you think we’ll ever laugh or be happy again?’ I figured I had 3 choices. Give up, give in, or give it everything I’ve got. I had a little boy growing inside me who I needed be strong for. I went with option 3.”
‘She’s fat. It’s a good thing she’s nice. Otherwise, no one would pay attention to her.’ They both giggled and left the restroom. I stayed in the stall, frozen. I knew I needed to blend in.’
“I became aware that I was different from the other perfect, small, blonde girls. So, I hid my glasses, grew my hair out, and started dressing better. I realized I needed to walk tall, shift my shoulders back, and smile to draw any and all attention away from the rest of my body.”
‘To get 2 children, I gave up 2. Creating a baby lost all allure. I was on a mission, detached from the actual act. Every app told me when to breathe, when to baby make. I couldn’t feel joy. It was all fear.’
“I found some elaborate way to share the news with my husband. The handcrafted note around our dog’s neck read, ‘Surprise! You’re going to be a father!’ Then a few weeks later, surprise you’re not. By the 3rd pregnancy, there was no special announcement. I didn’t buy a single item, not even a bib. How could I?”
‘WHO DID IT? Is it true?!’ My mom stormed into my room, filled with rage. I looked into her eyes, and lied.’: Rape survivor vows to protect daughter after generations of abuse, ‘She will not know this darkness, it stops now’
“My mom stormed into my room. ‘Is this true?’ Her face was red. Confused, I looked her in the eyes and lied. I really wanted her to know. For her to hug me and tell me it was okay. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized it wasn’t normal.”
‘If I did good at work, I felt like I was failing at home. Fighting between the two worlds broke my heart. I put on a mask of perfection. I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t come up for air.’
“So, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I wish I could tell you everything was fine the next day. That my feelings resolved themselves or my prayers were magically delivered to my doorstep. In fact, it was quite the opposite.”
‘My husband wanted to take his motorcycle. He gave me a kiss and walked out the door. At 11:59 a.m. I got the call that changed my life. The nurse said, ‘Are you his wife? Meet me at the hospital.’
“I didn’t have a car seat for my nephew. I couldn’t leave. I called everyone I knew. My sister came home and said, ‘You need to go NOW.’ When I arrived, I saw a security guard outside the front doors of the ER. I walked up. My head was spinning.”
‘One random afternoon, I got a text from my husband. It’s bad. I thought, ‘Will I be a widow?’ I should’ve been at home breastfeeding. Instead, I was meeting with geneticists.’
“I couldn’t leave the kids alone with him. He couldn’t drive. No pick-ups, no drop-offs. Resentment built between us. We were told our children had a 50% chance of getting it too. All we could do was wait, and watch, and worry. It was too much to comprehend.”
‘I need to talk to you. Please.’ My best friend sat me down. I knew she did something really wrong. ‘Promise you won’t hate me.’: Woman goes through ‘friendship breakup’ after cheating scandal, urges ‘love is always stronger’
“My heart dropped. All I could muster was, ‘What?’ She tried to hold my hands, but I pulled away. ‘We can’t choose who we love!’ It was surreal to take in. I pictured her in my future. Now I can only tear up thinking about it.”
‘My perfect baby girl was laying on my bare chest. I spoke lies to myself. ‘I’m fine.’ Everyone told me this was ‘part of being a new mom’ and ‘just a lack of sleep.’ This was not a phase.’
“Everything was so perfect. The possibility of anything being ‘wrong’ was just too much of a stretch. Stifling the tears, I clamped my eyelids shut. I had no idea that hours later I would be sitting on the floor, waiting to die.”
‘She started breaking into my room, forcing her way in, terrifying me. I was yelling at her to leave me alone, asking her, ‘haven’t I been through enough?’ I saw no way out.’
“He is biting me again!’ She turned around and pushed him and yelled, ‘YOU CAN’T BITE HER!”
‘Mommy is sick and needs to go to the doctor.’ I begged them to admit me to a psych ward. ‘You don’t fit the criteria,’ I was told. It was a hard pill to swallow. So, I admitted myself.’: Mom urges ‘it’s totally okay to ask for the damn help’ when struggling with mental illness
“I didn’t know what to expect. I thought, ‘Where am I sleeping? Should my kids come visit? Can I get fresh air?’ I remember feeling like a lab rat. The doors were locked and I needed to be buzzed in and out. One day when eating, I felt a presence. It was him.”
‘I got a call from a strange number. I immediately trembled. Inside I was screaming, ‘Answer the phone! It’s her!’ Then came a voice I’ve waited my whole life to hear. ‘Hello, is this Heather?’
“The floodgates opened and all I could do was cry. I had gone over this conversation in my head a thousand times, but I couldn’t get a single word out. I had so many questions. Up until this point, I kept it a secret from my dad. I was afraid of him getting hurt.”
‘Where is she?!’ There was no time to call for help. With one forceful kick, the lock snapped. I ran around the house, my mind racing. Then, I opened her bedroom door.’
“My body was in complete panic. A high-pitched ring pierced my ears. I held her in my arms. This wasn’t part of the plan. This was supposed to be her fresh start.”
‘I said I was going to the lounge. ‘I’ll be back .’ I took about 10 steps. That’s when I heard. Heavy footsteps. Then they sped up.’: Woman survives attack, reminds people to ‘be smart, be safe’
“His arms wrapped around me and he started pulling me into an unlocked maintenance room. This man thought he killed me, but he failed. How do you explain to your kids, ‘Mommy is coming home, but I don’t look like myself?'”