“I failed.
I had one job and I couldn’t get it done.
I did all the ‘right’ things: ate well, worked out, birthing classes. I had this birthing thing in the bag.
And then I went into labor…
Went to the hospital, birthing ball in tow, ready to tackle my med-free delivery!
As soon as I went into triage, my entire plan went out the window.
Blood pressure through the roof.
Platelets ‘in the toilet’ (as per my midwife).
Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome.
I was no longer able to have my midwife deliver my baby. I needed an OBGYN.
My birthing ball sat in the corner because I wasn’t even allowed to stand up.
But I was still going to have this baby vaginally.
I pushed until the nurse told me I could stop. I pooped, and puked, and popped a blood vessel in my eye – still no baby.
After 3 hours, I was exhausted, but I would’ve kept going if they told me to.
But the baby’s heart rate was dropping. The plan needed to change.
At this point, I had no clue what was going on. They had given me magnesium, which f’s you up for days.
I was beat up and defeated.
I thought I was doing my best. Why was I going to have a C-section?
It sucked. I was sad. I failed.
But my baby was in danger and they needed to get her out.
She was delivered safely, and 4 hours later(when anesthesia wore off), I met my baby.
Yet I still wasn’t out of the woods…
Severely anemic, massive blood clot, 2 blood transfusions and shots of a blood thinner in my stomach for a month to prevent clotting.
For at least 2 years, and occasionally now, I wondered what the hell happened? What did I do wrong?
The stigma around C-sections makes women feel ashamed, alone, and depressed.
And the worst part is, we aren’t offered much support once we are sent home. But the trauma doesn’t stay at the hospital. It lives in us forever.
Listen to someone’s story before passing judgment. You don’t know their experience and how it is affecting them.
If it wasn’t for C-sections, my daughter and I wouldn’t have survived.
My husband still can’t understand how I was willing to have a second child.
We did have one. And he was a planned C-section, that I no longer have any second thoughts or regrets about.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Ariel of NY. You can follow her journey on Facebook and Instagram. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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