I Almost Put My Son With Autism Up For Adoption, And I’m So Glad I Didn’t

“‘You are one choice away from a completely different life.’

Something about that quote will always stick with me.

Choices are the one thing in this life we have control over.

Each day you have a choice in what direction your life will go in and what your life will endure each and every day.

Without one choice, another choice would have never presented itself.

Some things in life you choose may even take you to your grave.

That was me, till it wasn’t.

So many things were coming to my grave with me.

Humiliation.

I didn’t want to be humiliated or have anyone judge me.

So I kept everything away from others.

Till one day I stopped caring about what others think and realized I am not the only one who has made bad choices, questionable choices, and some of the best choices of my life.

I made a choice when I gave birth to Avery.

That he would stay.

But that wasn’t always my choice.

And by that statement, I am sure you are confused.

Well, let me give you a little background information.

No one was thrilled when I was pregnant with Avery and not many had faith in me that I would even be a good mother.

So I waited till it was just me and a nurse in my hospital room with this little bundle of joy I just pushed out.

I had an amazing nurse who seemed like someone I could talk to and was trustworthy.

I remember asking her how hard it would be to put Avery up for adoption and what the process would be like.

I remember asking if he went into the adoption system, would he have a chance at a better life than the one I can give him?

I remember her face and feeling a tad judged.

I remember seeing a look of confusion on her face like why is she asking me this.

I remember her smiling at me and telling me to take a deep breath and get some sleep.

She informed me she would come back in a bit and then we could discuss anything I needed to.

I will never get a chance to thank that nurse but I am thankful for her.

She talked me down off my ledge of, ‘I can’t.’

I can’t do this.

I can’t raise this kid.

I can’t be a mom.

I can’t keep this boy.

So many things were rushing through my head like…..

Better with someone else.

Better life with another family.

Better moms are out in the world.

I was one choice away from not having this incredible boy in my life.

I was one choice away from not having this incredible life raising my boy.

I was one choice away.

Yes, I made the right choice.

To be a mother even if I am not the best mother out there.

To be Avery’s person even if sometimes I’d like a minute alone.

To be the one that keeps him safe.

Any other choice would have given me a completely different life and that is just something I could never imagine choosing now.

A different life is what we could be living but I made the choice that directed us into the life we have now.

Maybe the choice to be a mother was not only the best choice I made.

But the choice that simply showed me everything I was missing from my life.

The possibility of me being a great mother was always present, as long as I made the choice to be one.

You are one choice away from a completely different life.”

young boy sitting in the backseat of a car — Courtesy of Katie Emde

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Katie Emde of Journey for Avery. You can follow them on Facebook. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.