“I was 3 months postpartum and we booked a hotel for our first night away since the triplets were born.
It felt like there was so much pressure leading up to the night. I was so nervous to have sex. I was not in a good place mentally, it was the peak of my postpartum depression. My body was still very much in its postpartum. My boobs seemed to constantly leak milk. I was pumping around the clock and I struggled to feel beautiful in my new body. I was afraid of disappointing my husband sexually and ruining our sacred alone time together that we had been needing so desperately.
Maybe for some women, sex after you birth a child is magical and amazing. But for me, it couldn’t have been further from the truth. I can’t be the only Mom out there who felt like this after giving birth? I wish I could have been more prepared or even offered myself grace instead of pressure for all my feelings.
I will spare you the details, but let’s just say it ended with me crying and feeling even more insecure. I carried so much pressure for the night itself. We couldn’t have sex during my pregnancy because I was so high risk, so needless to say, it had been awhile. I struggled to feel attractive and was worried about how it would feel down there. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me cringe. I was so embarrassed and feel blushed just sharing with you.
Fortunately, I have a very loving and gracious husband who never saw my body for the way I saw it during my postpartum: unattractive and disgusting. He has always seen the beauty in me and has continually spoken beauty over me.
On our first night away post-babies, I realized a lot about intimacy. I sat in the bath tub and cried so hard with Ryan by my side. He affirmed me and told how much he loved me, how beautiful I was. He also told me he was worried about my depression and anxiety and that he would be by my side to see me through. Little did I know that was the kind of intimacy we needed that night, a deep level of connection. Ryan’s compassion, love, and grace over this night we shared together was exactly what I needed.
Sex after childbirth may not be amazing and it’s okay. Maybe it was amazing for you, but I can only speak from my own experiences. It takes time for your body to heal. And I think intimacy is about creating closeness together whether that is physically, emotionally or spiritually. It’s about being intentional about intimate moments together. Yes, sexual intimacy is important; but sometimes these kind of moments, the deep level of connection, honesty, and truth are the kind of intimacy your relationship really needs.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Desiree Fortin of California. You can follow her journey as a mom of triplets on Instagram.
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