Trigger Warning: This story contains mention of miscarriage that may be triggering to some.
“‘First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage…’ Growing up, I remember hearing this phrase on the school grounds. Any time someone would have a crush, this song would be sung. A simple childhood phrase has stuck with me in adulthood. I found love, I got married but the ‘having a baby’ part would not be so simple for us.
Who would our kids most resemble? What names do we like? Would we have a boy or girl? These questions couples have when they start trying are exciting! I remember asking myself those exact questions. Then eventually those questions turned into, ‘Will we ever have kids? Why do we keep miscarrying? How will we pay for fertility treatments?’ Reality hit us and hit us hard.
Our first pregnancy was 8 months after we started trying to have a baby. Unfortunately, it was also our first loss. No one prepares you for the first time you see blood after seeing those double lines on a pregnancy test. Excitement and joy turn into worry and sorrow. I remember walking into the doctor’s office and knowing I was losing the baby. The words, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t see anything’ will stick with me forever. I was 4 to 5 weeks.
We were told it’s common to miscarry for a first-time pregnancy so we kept trying. In a way, getting right back at it helped me shove that grief deep down. You could say I didn’t deal with it and just ignored it but at that time, it helped me cope. What I didn’t know was that grief will always be a part of me. It just gets manageable with time.
So there I was, in my OB’s office having tests done, convincing myself it was just a one-time thing. Thinking our next pregnancy would be THE one. It wasn’t. I was miscarrying again and it kept happening through the years. One of our losses happened when I was 9 weeks and gave birth on our bathroom floor. Lance and I sat on the bathroom floor while I was throwing up and having contractions. He held my hand tightly while telling me it will be okay, when we knew in our hearts it wouldn’t. With tears in our eyes, we said goodbye to another baby that night. It was just the two of us once again.
We get asked all the time how we cope with infertility and pregnancy loss. I don’t think there is a magic way to suddenly be okay with it all. We still have our sad days, days when we think it will never happen for us, so why try? But what we have learned is that through God healing can begin. We have seen him in the small details of our lives and the big details as well. Even when I am literally screaming at him for making us go through loss after loss, he is holding my hand grieving with me.
Even though our babies aren’t here with us physically, I know they are with us spiritually. Whenever I have felt that emptiness or sadness they have been here with me. I have felt my babies comfort me, and I know they are in good hands up there. I know I will see them again someday and they are cheering us on.
I’m thankful for our bad days because without them, it wouldn’t have lead us to pursue adoption. They made us appreciate the little things in life. 2 years after our egg retrieval and some health issues, we were finally able to transfer one of our male embryos in 2019. That transfer was successful. I was pregnant! We started to imagine our life with a son. We are hockey fans and Lance couldn’t wait to have a son to share his passion with. We were so excited. We were full of hope.
I was at a baby shower when I started to bleed. Imagine having to see blood while at a friend’s baby shower. It was horrible. Horrible because I had to leave, was bleeding and bleeding heavily. All I could think of was sitting in a cold ultrasound room and hearing those words, ‘I’m sorry.’ I prepared for the worst. The next morning I went in to see my doctor. As I laid there waiting for her to begin the ultrasound, I felt like I was in a daze because the next thing I heard was, ‘Oh my goodness, it’s twins!’ Followed by, ‘I see you have a blood clot in your uterus and that could be causing all the bleeding.’ To say we were relieved was an understatement. We cried, rejoiced, and thanked God. There was that hope again. The next few weeks I was on bedrest, each week I went in to have an ultrasound and each time was getting harder to stay positive. My blood clot was still there and we lost one twin. A couple of weeks later, we found out the other one wouldn’t make it. My body had failed us AGAIN.
Trying to have children took a toll on my body, our finances, and our mental health. We had been through it all and knew something had to change. That next week we scheduled my D&C and prepared ourselves to say goodbye to our babies. When I woke up from surgery, I was bawling. I felt that emptiness that was all too familiar. That same moment, Lance looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ That was our turning point. It was time to let go and move onto another dream of ours. Our dreams were changing for the better.
Moving forward with adoption was one of our best decisions. It’s been a year full of ups and downs with scammers and potential babies that never worked out. But the moment we started the process our hope came back. What’s even better is we felt at peace. Something we haven’t felt in years. We know that it is the right path for us and can’t wait to share our life, love, and home with a child who needs us like we desperately need them.
Our infertility story may have a lot of loss and grieving in it but it also has a lot of beautiful moments as well. In the midst of all our sorrow, we have had moments of joy and hope. Hope was there when we decided to start our IVF journey. Hope was there each time we saw those two double lines on a pregnancy test. Hope is knowing our angel babies are watching us and cheering us on every day. Hope we will be parents someday.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Brianna Revestir from Anaheim, CA. You can follow their journey on Instagram and Facebook. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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