I Want To Conceive, But I Don’t Want To Keep Trying

“I don’t want to do this anymore, but I still do.

My body is exhausted, my mind feels lost at times, and my spirit has been continually crushed. Month after month we try so hard, but in the end we are still left with nothing more than a handful of negative tests and disappointment.

I keep telling myself it’s going to be okay, I just have to trust in the lord’s plans set before me…but this is breaking me.

I’m tired of having to wait. I’m tired of constantly putting so much of myself into something that promises nothing in return. I’m tired of giving every ounce of effort I possess only to feel so empty. I’m tired of it all.

But yet I still can’t get myself to give it all up and quit. No matter how much I want to, I just can’t.

There are days where all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and finally walk away from this journey for good. Just turn in the opposite direction and never look back.

I have contemplated this thought more times than I can count, because this road we are on is so hard and unforgiving…but I just can’t let myself give up so easily.

I’m so afraid of what I could miss out on if I stop trying.

I may not always feel like I have the strength left in me to continue on this path, and there will be days where I don’t know how I am supposed to continue on, but I do know I have to keep moving forward.

If there is one thing that rings more true to me now than ever, it’s the things in life that are worth having are the ones worth fighting the hardest for. And when our day finally comes, I know this all will be worth it a million and one times over.

So yes, I may have my moments where I don’t want to do this anymore and I’m ready to throw in the towel, but a part of me will always want to. And that is one part that will never go away.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Mackenzie Eckinger of Ohio and originally appeared here. You can follow her journey on Instagram here and here. Submit your own story  here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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