“Once upon a time I had a best friend, I would even say a soulmate. She was my mom. When I was a kid, she did everything in her power to help us grow in a loving home. We used to make cookies on Christmas and handmade customs for Dia de Muertos. We would have themed parties on our birthdays, and she often read us books until we fell asleep. She played and laughed with us, but it wasn’t always like that. Mom had a hard life, something I didn’t know until I was much older. She had so many secrets no woman should keep or even pass through alone.
When I was younger, I remember how angry she was all the time. Many things irritated her, made her angry and explosive… it was not her fault, I realized in the end. Her mission in life was unconditional love, and the journey to this is quite an awesome adventure. She wanted to change, so she worked so hard on herself. She had so many insecurities, so much fear, so many demons, but she beat them all. She stood tall, she faced alone the worst of her and beat her to the ground. How did she do that? She trusted in the Divine power, the Divine power in herself, and the infinite love for us; she understood what it meant to forgive, to listen, to hold on, to tolerate, to be patient, and to know that to help others she first had to learn to love herself.
We saw the change of mom happening beautifully and delicately, the same way a butterfly releases her wings or a rose opens in the morning. She started her way up to spirituality from zero, she built her strength and taught us the path. She cared for others; it was amazing how people could just sit with her and tell her all her problems, and after a long talk, they left with a less burdened soul.
That was my mom, a wonderful, bright soul, whatever the moment brought. She was so full of gratitude, full of love for everyone around her (even those who were hard to forgive). We lived in different countries, but the connection and the excitement to see each other ‘soon’ all the time kept us together. We talked daily, shared stories, dreams, ideas, even the tiniest details. She heard me and she saw me in a way nobody else did.
The last time I saw her was in August 2020; a bit before traveling, my husband and I gave my parents the news that I was pregnant. My husband Ben told them we were going to go to Mexico, however, we were going to be sitting two in the same seat. She didn’t get it at the beginning until my dad, with a face red as a cherry, explained to her. My dad was in shock and she was laughing and smiling; she was authentically happy.
At the moment I saw my family, I was 5 months pregnant. She took care of me as somebody would take care of a baby. I told her how scared I was. She understood and she did nothing but give me love. She organized me a tiny baby shower between us and grandpas. She knew with Covid it was not possible to have a big one, so she and my sister prepared one just for us, and so far this day is one of my best memories.
September 6th, I took a flight back to Paris, my actual residence, with the promise to see each other soon and as much as we could as she was starting to enjoy her retirement. Little did we know, it was the last time we would hold each other…
Covid got us. I knew the sex of the baby the same day I got the news we were contaminated on September 9, 2020. The sex revealed a girl; my emotions were going in all directions. Mom had a light stomach ache that day. The doctor came and told her it was not a Covid reaction but a bacteria and she was going to be fine.
On September 11th, mom fell really sick. She couldn’t stand up to go to the toilet, she got short breath immediately and a headache. The rest of my family got flu symptoms but nothing else. Mom, however, was another story. We got her the oxygen tank right away, her oxygen level fell from 90 from one day to 60 the next. She refused completely to go to the hospital, so dad managed to get 2 good doctors specialized in Covid to come to the home. Both of them were certain she was going to get well.
I called mom. She was hiding her face as she was ashamed to use the oxygen. She thought she didn’t look ‘presentable.’ It broke my heart to see her like that. She couldn’t talk much, she didn’t eat anymore, but for some reason she developed amazing tasting and smelling skills. She could smell a tomato 3 floors down the house, and she said they tasted like heaven. I tried to lift her spirits even though mine was crushing. I talked like it was a regular day and I revealed the sex of the baby by mistake as I was waiting for her to get better. We had a good laugh.
On the 12th, I sent her an ultrasound of my baby. She said she looked very much like my husband Ben. I agreed. Little did I know that was going to be her last text, that was going to be the last time I talked with her. The doctors were with her all the time, we helped her with reiki, we contacted so many people for prayers, we called the angels, we sent her light, with all my heart I begged to heaven to help her. Why was she not reacting to treatment?
Death soon arrived in the family without announcement. My grandpa at 89 years old left on September 14th. He just decided it was his time, nobody told me or mom, as it could be dangerous. The transcending was also extremely painful. I wonder sometimes, did grandpa leave before in order to receive them on the other side? Grandma followed grandpa on September 22nd. They were also very close to me, and their love story is better than any book. 75 years together, still dancing, kissing, and holding hands, but that one deserves another full story.
Her transcendence was sacred. For 7 days she was lying in my bed, my sister giving her massages and cleaning her body with rose water and lavender. In the background Snatam Kaur music was playing and the windows were open to let the sun and fresh air enter. I suggested she write all the things that were emotionally blocking her; she did, and she forgave, and released them all. My dad and sister were by her side 24/7, hugging her, reading to her, loving her. Me being over 6,000 miles away from them, the only things I could do were meditate, pray, and send her my light and love, and beg to God to let her stay longer with us. I was also worried about my baby; my feelings could have an impact on her.
The day she transcended, my sister and I felt so calmed. Maybe her soul was already outside her body, calming our minds and hearts. Doctors told us she was on her way to recovery… unfortunately, it was the contrary. She started to talk incoherently, her heart was racing 100 times more than usual. She asked my sister to hold her heart as it was racing too much. Dad called the ambulance and she was like a little girl asking what she could do to help them. My sister prepared her clothes in purple, the color of transmutation.
She got intubated, though I was still thinking she could make it. I never lost my faith, she taught me that. My sister sent me a text that the doctor told her to be prepared, she was going to leave us… I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. She was invincible – she was healthy, she was protected, she was just 61 years old and she had so many dreams left to accomplish. However, we don’t have the chance to take part in these decisions. I lit up a candle, my husband lent me his hands, and I talked with her. I said goodbye to her, I forgave her for everything she thought she did wrong and I thanked her and sent her all the love I could give.
My sister called a few minutes later. Mom was gone and so was a part of my soul, the other part that stayed crashed in billion pieces. I wasn’t ready to let go, but are we ever ready to let go? Why, among millions of people, did she have to leave? Why are all these people leaving so suddenly, families completely unprepared?
I was worried for my baby as well. I was not stable, I was not okay, I was supposed to have a beautiful, joyful pregnancy, and what was this?! I went the day after to the ER for a check-up and luckily the baby was okay. I was not completely there, but it gave me relief to know she was not affected. I lost many things this year. The most wonderful human in my world, my grandpas, and my free life before a baby. A part of me left with my mom. I’m sure and I will never have it back, and I am changed in ways I’m still discovering…
That was the darkest day of my life. The one where you are so hurt your brain doesn’t allow you to remember it all clearly. Just shades, and then full darkness… But after a couple of months now, I have realized she never left. I learned to listen, I am learning to see with the eyes of my soul as I firmly believe she communicates with us in songs, in the voice of a friend or stranger, and inside our heads as she says things we wouldn’t have been able to say by ourselves. We see signs wherever we go, we just know it’s her. That’s how we know she is still here with us.
I think we have to stop with those many questions: Why her? Why do I know? Why a life for another life? Why so young? Why us? Why why why… unfortunately, we will never really know, but we maybe can change that and ask ourselves what for? To grow, to continue the spiritual path I created with her, to strengthen the relationship with my sister and dad, to have a spiritual pregnancy and birth, to transmit unconditional love to my daughter, to honor her memory, to put into practice all that she gave me. She gave me all the tools, now it depends on me, with the hope and certainty in my heart that one day I will see her again, and that this life is short compared to the eternity that follows.
I choose to believe that people, when they transcend, it is because they have their mission complete. They did everything they had to do here, now it’s time to learn on another level. I’m still not ready to let go, but I’m living one day at a time, one moment at a time. In the end, deep down, I know there is much more of life than what we can see in this world. We are made of energy; love is one of the most powerful ones. As humans, we are limited to our body; once we are out of it, energy flows freely. It manifests in so many other ways. The body might die, but the energy never dies – it is just transformed into something so much greater than what we can understand, and she, she is love. She is like the wind; you cannot see it, but you can feel it. Her mission in this world is over, but she is still alive. She has become an angel, and because of the love we shared in this world, I have all the hope that when it is my turn to join the light, she will be there, with open arms receiving me and it will be pure joy.
Meanwhile in Paris, after 20 hours of labor, my baby arrived. A beautiful healthy baby girl, full of life and energy. She has completely changed my world. Learning to be a mom, without a physical mom by me, is the hardest things I have ever done, but I am here to honor our path and to transmit to my baby all the love and joy she gave me, all the tenderness and teachings.
Every day I try to be strong, to cry when I have to, to live as she showed me, and follow her teachings. I try to be grateful, be amazed by life’s details and life’s beauties, and to transmit this to my baby girl. I try to see the miracle of a rose, and the divine in a baby, to trust life and trust my other senses. To see her gifts and signals she is leaving me on my path. I just have to pay attention and believe.
Her favorite place on earth was a beautiful island in Scotland called Skye, which actually means free soul. That’s the name I gave to my daughter. In the end, we are all free souls, learning our way and creating our own path. We are here to love no matter what. For all those who have lost someone they loved, I hope these words can let you know you are not alone. I hope they can bring hope to your heart.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Montse Flores. You can follow her journey on Facebook. Submit your own story here.
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