‘I regret so much. Not following my mommy instinct. I did my 40-minute walk on the treadmill, hoping it would wake you up.’: Mother writes letter to baby born sleeping, ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t save you’

“To our sweet baby girl,

We were so ready to meet you, love on you, watch you grow and soak up every moment. You grew and were perfectly healthy safe and happy until 37 weeks and 5 days. Why did you have to go?

The 3-4 days prior to your heart stopping, I noticed your movements slowed, but I also didn’t feel well. I knew labor was coming and soon, I felt it. I said out loud to your dad multiple times that you just were so quiet in there, and I hoped you were okay.

I regret so much. Not following my mommy instinct. Making excuses for why it could have been that you weren’t moving as much. I’m sorry.

I woke up on Tuesday morning after checking your heartbeat before bed Monday night and you hadn’t moved yet. I went to get my 40-minute walk in on the treadmill, hoping that would wake you up. Little did I know you were already gone. Your daddy left for work and I tried to find your heartbeat, and couldn’t. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.

Your heart had stopped and it was confirmed you were gone.

After a 20 hour induction, your body left mine and the room was quiet. Your lifeless body on my chest still warm from inside. The first words out of my mouth as my body flooded with oxytocin were, ‘You are so cute.’ My body didn’t realize you were dead, I was so proud of you in that moment and looking at you, finally, was the most magical moment. Your daddy cut your cord and we just studied you. You were perfect, big lips, small button nose, the cutest most perfect feet I have ever seen. All 6 pounds 5.4 ounces 19.5 inches long of you, absolutely perfect.

Our midwife informed us that you had a very tight knot in your exceptionally long cord and your placenta was very small. That’s what took you, so many combined factors that couldn’t have saved you.

I’m so sorry I didn’t listen louder when you were moving less. I’m sorry I didn’t save you sooner. I tried so hard to keep you healthy safe and ready for this world.

After you were gone, leaving the hospital without you was so traumatizing. The valet driver saying ‘congrats’ will forever haunt me. I suffer from such public anxiety, PTSD, trauma, and feeling so incredibly lost. Creating and growing you changed my life immensely, losing you had done the same. My body didn’t know you died. I came home bleeding, with no drive to care for myself, cramps from my empty uterus where you last were, my milk coming in so painful, engorged, and absolutely terrifying to see and know that you can’t help me, I can’t feed you.

Life after losing you has not made sense. We had hospital bags packed. We had your bassinet set up next to our bed. We had all your things sterilized, car seat installed just a week prior.

I have felt so out of purpose. We prepared for 38 weeks to have the idea of just the two of us change to the three of us. Who am I now? Who do I take care of? Who needs me?

I needed you so much and you needed me and that bond feels so distant.

You are our baby, and you’re not here. You are our daughter and we no longer feel you, see you, or get to know you.

I feel so misunderstood in this world without you, my girl. I am your mom, but no one can see that. My child, you died but yet I am still supposed to see the joy in the days since. No one gets how seemingly impossible that is.

It’s been almost a year. We have gone through all of the ‘firsts’ without you or shied away from them because of the pain. The last first is your birthday. Then what? It still hurts so much. I still weep for you so often. I still struggle to find joy, happiness, and purpose.

I miss you, I miss your heart beating under mine, I miss the innocence of being happy for no reason, I miss being excited to raise you, I miss being content in life because of you.

We love you more than our hearts, minds, and souls could say. Guide us, shape us and know how loved you are.

Forever our baby girl
Bostyn Evearly, born and gone 2/13/19.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Sydelle Tungsvik. You can follow their journey on Instagram.  Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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