‘I didn’t want baby Ocean to feel as if we were replacing her.’: Mom navigates loss of child while pregnant with rainbow baby

“6 months.

It took me 6 whole months to document my pregnancy.

I was crippled with fear, checking her heartbeat every time I didn’t feel her for more than a couple of hours.

Terrified that I was going to lose her, too.

I remember standing in front of this mirror struggling to smile.

Smiling felt inappropriate.

Ocean died just 8 months earlier.

It felt too soon.

I felt guilty for being happy and I felt guilty for being sad.

I didn’t want Ocean to feel as if we were replacing her nor did I want Rain to feel like I wasn’t happy to be pregnant with her.

Either way I looked at it, I was crippled with guilt.

I have so much compassion for this girl in the mirror.

Trying to navigate grieving a baby while also trying to grow a healthy one (during a quarantine) felt impossible.

As it turns out, it’s totally possible.

I am forever grateful for the people in our world who got us through these unchartered waters.

To all the mamas who are currently experiencing PAL: You can do this.

The grief never goes away, it will always demand to be felt, but I promise you there is so much JOY ahead.

Allow yourself grace, allow yourself to have space for both emotions.

I’m here for you. You got this.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters  by Codie Cabral from Los Angles, California. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story  here, and be sure to  subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and  YouTube for our best videos.

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