‘I burst into tears and couldn’t stop. I don’t want to have 3 a.m. conversations about dinosaurs and unicorns.’: Mom shares how mental load of parenting has taken its toll

“Mom guilt is a f*ckery of a thing.

I burst into tears earlier, and  felt like I couldn’t stop.

I spent an exhausting day trying to be a fun mom, only to be rejected by my 5 year-old who told me he hated me and wanted to live somewhere else. It shouldn’t offend me, because he’s 5, but it did.

I think it’s because the mental load of parenting has taken its toll. Working from home and having someone screaming at you for attention has taken its toll. Living in everyone’s pocket has taken its toll. Trying to be a great friend has taken its toll. Trying to find time to myself has taken its toll. Not getting any sleep has taken its toll. I don’t want to have 3 a.m. conversations about dinosaurs and unicorns anymore. I want to sleep.

I’m also probably getting my period, which makes me an absolute wreck.

So, I got away. I rushed off to be by myself, and the last thing I saw was my kids’ sad faces.

So, of course, I started reminiscing on all the times I was a horrible mother — even when I yelled at Sofia when she was a baby because she fell asleep breastfeeding.

So, I cried and cried and felt like a selfish a**hole.

I rushed home to cuddle them, and they all ran up to me like nothing had happened, like I never left, more excited than puppy dogs. I showed them their ‘rock’ can break sometimes. I cried and told my 5 year-old it hurt me when he said that. I told Sofia I was sorry I yelled 4 years ago… and earlier today, and the week before. I told James he’s still a perfect child who can do no wrong (joke, it’s a last child thing).

But they all comforted me, because I guess not being the rock all the time has taught them empathy. I don’t know. I guess all I know is the same people who made my day crazy made it better again… and motherhood is funny like that.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza. Follow Laura on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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