How To Raise Kids Who Face Defeat With Strength

“Parenting is hard. This isn’t a secret or breaking news, we all know. I hear about parenting failures (and some victories!) from friends and watching our own daughter’s friends fail (and succeed!) every day.

I have worked directly with high school and college students for years, helping them with college applications, graduate school, and job placement options. I see and hear things that shock me every day as children grow into adults and try to navigate through obstacles during that transition.

However, the baby, toddler, elementary, and now ‘tween’ years are all new to me. I muddle my way along, trying to set our daughter up to be happy, stable, and successful as she moves toward high school.

Last Saturday, her soccer team had an important tournament game. Somehow, as the underdogs, they advanced to the last round and were set to play in the championship game on a rainy, gloomy, wet, and cold October morning. It was a contentious game.

Both teams really wanted that championship medal and were fighting very hard to get it. As each quarter passed, there was more mud, more rain, and more missed opportunities by both teams, and they were still tied at zero.

After a brief huddle, the coaches and referees moved the game into a five-minute sudden-death overtime, and somehow, these kids rallied and played one more round of soggy soccer. But afterward, they were still tied.

Another round of overtime began, and once again, five minutes later, they were still deadlocked. Finally, it was decided they would go into a tiebreaker shootout, with each team getting five shots on the goal.

The five players were chosen, and the shootout began. Of course, once again, we were tied on shots at 2-2 until the last shooter from the other team stepped to the line and scored. It was game over; our team lost, 3-2.

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As often happens in kid’s sports, some parent drama followed, with arguments between the coaches and referees over how the shootout was conducted. Luckily, our kids stayed out of that conversation, and a wise mom gathered everyone for a group photo away to de-escalate the situation on the sidelines.

With big smiles, celebrations, water fights, and the promise of McDonald’s on the way home, they all seemed happy enough in the photo. Wet and exhausted, but alright. Finally, the group broke apart, and our daughter approached me directly.

I gave her a big hug and was surprised to feel a monstrous sob come from her tiny chest. As she heaved against me, I kept hugging her in the rain, partially hiding her from any embarrassment but mostly hoping she was okay.

When she pulled away, she said, ‘Mom, that was such a hard game. We played so hard and wanted it so bad.’ Then she wiped her eyes and jogged to the sidelines to greet her dad and grandparents with a big smile back on her face.

I happened to catch that moment in a photo, and as I look at it, it’s perplexing to think that same child was just sobbing against my raincoat.

But then I realized I was her safe space. I’m the place where she feels secure to release that energy and know I will hold it safely in my heart for her. What a burden, but also what a joy, to be that person who provides the space where she can break down, then rally and face the world with a smile.

I want to think she pulled that power from me, as maybe I somehow transferred energy into her little muddy body in the rain. But that’s not true.

The truth is the trust between us has been built over time, with the security of her knowing I will always be there. On the sidelines in the mud, after school, at bedtime, during a tough orthodontist appointment, and everything in between.

Slowly, over time, I have helped build the foundation that allows her to face defeat with strength and a smile. That’s a victory in my book, no matter what the scoreboard says.”