I Really Thought We Were Finally Getting Our Christmas Miracle

“I really thought this was going to be our Christmas miracle.

On December 1st I took a test and to my surprise it was positive.

We got pregnant for the third time naturally.

I was so excited and shocked. I thought this time was going to be different.

This was the first time I had ever gotten a positive before a missed period.

I immediately called my clinic to get a beta and to start progesterone.

I was already thinking of ways to tell our friends and families that we were pregnant.

I immediately download the pregnancy apps because I was just sure this was going to be our time.

But then I got my beta results back and it was only a 12.

I was pregnant but it was low and I knew that it wasn’t good.

I got my second beta done on December 3rd and I was so nervous that it wasn’t going to double.

I felt like my test weren’t getting any darker but to our surprise, my 2nd beta came back at 34 it doubled.

I was then instructed to start Lovenox and to check my beta again today December 6th.

This morning I took a test and it was so light.

I just had a feeling that this baby wasn’t going to make it.

Then today I got the dreaded email that my beta was only 37 confirming my worst fear.

We are so heartbroken.

I never thought we would be here three years later with four miscarriages.

I don’t even know where to go from here.

I don’t even know if I want to continue to try and get pregnant again.

This is all becoming too much.

I am tired of getting my hopes up just for them to come crashing down a week later.

I am so angry that I would even get pregnant for it to turn out to be another miscarriage.

I don’t know why we don’t have answers to our miscarriages.

I just want things to go right for once.

I am starting to think that maybe we aren’t supposed to have biological children.

I don’t know how we go on from here.

Even though I only carried you for a short time just know that you were wanted very much.

We will always love you baby Vitu.

Say hi to your siblings for us.

Goodbye for now.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Brittany. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here. 

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