‘What does a baby’s heart look like at 18 weeks?’ I knew something was wrong. But Tad’s father continued to say, ‘Don’t worry until we have to.’ So I tried my best not to.’

“‘He is sitting Buddha style facing away from me, so I cannot not get a good look.’ I remember watching him confirm the gender, check fingers and toes, but kept going back. He told us ‘not to worry.’ I left that appointment wanting to share the great news of, ‘we’re having a baby boy,’ but it was a double-edged sword.”

‘I wasn’t the stereotypical addict on the streets with no teeth, begging for money. I had children. I was functioning. I’d get up, eat, go to the gym. Then, I’d go on a bender for days.’

“I’d do whatever I could to distract myself from the fact that I felt alone. I always wanted to stop, but I didn’t know how. People around me knew, but never said anything. It made me feel like it was okay. I didn’t realize I needed to change until I lost my children. I decided if I couldn’t beat this and see my kids again, I’d kill myself.”

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