“I found it scary how fast things were going, but I I loved him so much. I became pregnant shortly after meeting him. He vowed to protect us, love us, and always keep us safe. There was no doubt in my mind he was the one for me. Little did I know me becoming pregnant would awaken the monster within him.”
‘I was terrified something happened to the baby. He pulled me into my closet so neighbors couldn’t hear me screaming. My mom drove 3 hours in a snow storm to rescue me from him.’
‘Everyone wants a Prince Charming. That’s what I thought I found. I was head over heels and got pregnant within a few months. I ignored the warning signs.’
“Things started to change very rapidly. My possessions were stolen, our new baby gifts pawned, my hard-earned money taken. I only knew he was alive when I would see him post Craigslist ads seeking drugs. There was no turning back.”
‘My doctors discharged me early so I could chase behind the ambulance that held my tiniest love inside. My biggest fear is living in a world without her.’
“I spent years praying for a baby and now my only child was being diagnosed with a life-threatening condition. You can only imagine the feelings I had. Like most people who have questions, I took to Google.”
‘The tree crushed the roof of the car. My head compressed. My spine burst. I don’t remember it. I woke up thinking it was a nightmare. ‘There’s no way I could still be alive,’ I told myself.’
“Life has changed. The depth of loss I face daily. But everyday I am faced with a choice. Will I choose to survive today or will I choose to thrive? No matter the lemons or curveballs, the choice is mine.”
‘I turned to the nurse, ‘If you won’t take me to see her, I will crawl if I have to.’ My best friend looked at the nurse and said ‘You might want to read her chart, she’s not kidding.’
“When everyone around me was telling me to give up, I took a chance. I did what every 21st century parent does, and what every doctor tells you not to do and I googled it. I found cannabis.”
‘As a mom, you just KNOW. Something didn’t feel right.’: Mother discusses son’s autism diagnosis
“I wish I could’ve jumped into one of those passing cars and pretended it never happened. That I hitchhiked, ran away, disappeared. I thought we could find someone to ‘fix’ my son. As the woman in the office spoke, I couldn’t take my eyes off her mouth. I knew the word that would come. I didn’t believe her.”
‘Oh wow, my thighs look huge in these jeans. After you have an eating disorder, they say you’ll never be normal again.’
“The next five minutes I spent trying to change the illusion of what I had just seen, pulling up the waist of my dark jeans a little higher, smoothing out the denim hoping that may give the twins a slimmer appearance. I pulled on the hem of my sweater a bit, pulling it down a little further than the widest part of my thighs, hoping once again to give a thinner illusion.”
‘I drove by the cemetery where I buried my best friend. I walked briskly to the place I remembered, but couldn’t find his headstone. Hot, surging anger coursed through my body.’
“I paced a few hundred yards along the plot, sure it was there. But none of the names on the headstones were his. My anger brought a prick of tears to my eyes. Grief struck. Maybe it was the next plot over? But the next plot didn’t reveal his headstone either.”
‘My sister whispered during one of those many hours, ‘Dad is teaching us how to die.’ The man who named the project suddenly became the subject.’
“We watched him go from a life-loving, bike-riding, wine-drinking, book-writing, word-weaving, soul-enriching mensch, to ashes in a box on my mother’s mantle in some of the shortest, yet longest weeks of my life.”
‘My doctor held my hand and started, ‘Tami…’ In that moment, I knew. I couldn’t breathe because I knew. Or at least I thought I did. My heart exploded with relief!’
“We were walking out of the house when a feather floated right in front of us. As we sat enjoying our morning coffee, another tiny feather made an appearance. On the drive home, I kept thinking … two feathers … what does that mean? But I had a hunch. I went straight to the bathroom and found a pregnancy test.”