Amanda Doulos is a digital editor for Love What Matters based in New York City. She will graduate from Binghamton University with a Bachelor of English Literature and Spanish in Spring 2023. She loves staying involved as vice president of the mock trial team and secretary of Spanish Honor Society. In her free time, she loves reading, traveling, and spending time with friends.
“I was experiencing multiple panic attacks a day and major sensory overload. I’d walk away mid-conversation from a customer because I couldn’t take any more information in and needed to shut my eyes as they were so sensitive to light. I had absolutely no awareness or concern about whether this came across as rude. To me, I was in survival mode.”
“I’d cry every single day, unable to sleep out of fear of not being able to control my eating the next day. I was afraid to hang out with friends because of how I looked. I returned back to my younger self, inside her room struggling with food. I felt like a total failure.”
“I hid behind baggy clothes to blend in, or at least not stand out as badly. When anyone took my photo, I’d put something over my stomach or, if it was a group photo, hide in the back. I was so afraid to be seen. I was so afraid to fully live. All because I’d been taught my worth was based solely upon my body.”
“During cancer, I had a theme song and all sorts of support. Once all the dust settled and life was supposed to return to normal, I realized the enormity of what had happened. My life was no longer normal, nor could it ever go back to what it simply was. My identity was now a mish mash of both pre-cancer and cancer, fitting none of the molds.”
“I’d just gotten to the freeing point in a mom’s life. You know, where your kids are self-sufficient enough to give you a minute to breathe, to get dishes or laundry done, or even just take a shower without worrying about them. I knew there was no way I could be pregnant. Nor did I want to be.”
“She continued, ‘Please know it had nothing to do with you.’ I’d been waiting my entire life to hear those words. The hug she gave me seemed to last forever. It was truly out of a Lifetime movie.”
“Be open about your struggle and be honest when someone asks you, ‘How are you doing?’ You never know who may come into your life because you shared your story.”
“When the doctor came in, he spoke to me as if he didn’t believe I could possibly have my conditions. I told him my bones, particularly my patellas, needed support and I’d prefer if we didn’t check those, but he insisted. He pushed my kneecaps to the side and then said ‘oops’ as he easily dislocated one.”
“I told myself I’d stay single, just roll with things. Doesn’t God just laugh when we make plans?! Rather quickly, we were pregnant…both of us were 38! He had 2 kids already and so did I, what in the world were we going to do?!”
“That glorious thump, thump, thump wafting through the room is a moment I will never forget. Not only was this the first time we made it far enough to hear a heartbeat, but we also got to hear two!”
