Amanda Doulos is a digital editor for Love What Matters based in New York City. She will graduate from Binghamton University with a Bachelor of English Literature and Spanish in Spring 2023. She loves staying involved as vice president of the mock trial team and secretary of Spanish Honor Society. In her free time, she loves reading, traveling, and spending time with friends.
“When I born, the doctor said, ‘You’re going to have your hands full with that one.’ Even from a young age, I never felt like a girl. I wondered what was ‘wrong’ with me.”
“I fought back tears all day. I’d have breakdowns in the back of the classroom. I didn’t talk to my sisters for 6 months while living under the same roof. I’d never felt so alone.”
“I went into situations thinking, ‘They all hate me.’ I didn’t want to admit I had a drinking problem. I was in denial until I hit rock bottom.”
“I always knew in my gut my brother was different, so the diagnosis wasn’t shocking. I didn’t see myself in that image, but I began to research. Boy, did I research!”
“I was alone in my apartment, overwhelmed by this pain in my chest. I grabbed a knife and sat in the dark. Tears ran down my face. The only noise was coming from my head and it was screaming at me.”
“On days I didn’t work, I spent the whole day on the couch. When I managed to get to the grocery store, I felt like a robot that had powered down. My brain just didn’t work.”
“I remember thinking, ‘How is it so easy? Do you just go up to someone and say you want to be friends?’ I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong.”
“It felt my identity had been built up like a Jenga tower. I started removing bricks and at the same time, I was piling new bricks on top. It led to a complete collapse. I broke.”
“I couldn’t lift my leg to get in the shower. I was 29 years old, feeling like a senior citizen. My family had to help me do everything. I was no longer myself.”
“In fourth grade, I remember looking over at the girl sitting next to me. ‘Why don’t I look like her?’ Her stomach was flat, not round like mine.”
